I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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