I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
