all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
