Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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