Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
