Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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