I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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