I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
