I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
