It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you so shy because you have an std?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
