there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
