i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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