Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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