Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
