Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
