I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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