she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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