This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
