I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
