just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
