his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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