I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
