The best revenge is premature balding
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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