Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
