Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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