mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
