Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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