I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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