he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
