i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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