i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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