What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
