he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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