Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
