K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
