that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
