I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
