My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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