After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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