My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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