Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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