dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
