Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
