I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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