Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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