So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
