If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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