o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
