We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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