THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
