I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Let's paint friendship bongs
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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