he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
