I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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