I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just pynch a tree in the face
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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