We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
