I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
