One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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