why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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