it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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