Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
