Your face is a jimmy john
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
